Teaser

The problem with LA, Buffy soon found, was that finding anything or anyone was next to impossible. It wasn't like Sunnydale where you could pound the first demon you came across until he told you what you wanted to know. Apparently they were more scared of Angel and his law firm than they were of her, something which she found unnerving and more than a little annoying.

She has leaving her third demon bar now and she'd still turned up nothing. Those who were even willing to talk to her at all, claimed to know nothing about what she was looking for. She doubted they were telling the truth, but what could she do. If these demons weren't afraid of her then how could she get them to talk?

She walked towards the next bar on her list when suddenly she had a thought. Something Spike had said to her a couple of years back.

"Which one do I kill for information?"

"Listen. These guys talk while they play. We'll get more information out of their mouths than out of gaping holes in their corpses."

And that gave her an idea.

* * *

"Your turn, Slayer."

Buffy looked down at the cards in her hand and tried to ignore the tiny mewls coming from the kittens on the table. Right about now she wished she'd paid more attention when Spike had tried to teach her the rules of poker. Instead she'd deliberately ignored everything he was telling her so that she'd quickly lose the game of strip-poker they were playing. It was amazing how distracted Spike became when she was sat at the table completely naked. They'd abandoned the game not long after that for something a little more fun.

She blushed at the memory.

She had no idea if the cards in her hand were any good and so far the demons hadn't told her anything useful. It was time to cut to the chase.

"I could sure use a miracle right now." She said, pretending to study her cards. "I hear there's a place round here where you can earn one. You guys wouldn't know where I could go, do you? 'cause I could sure use some help with my poker skills."
"Don't know anything about it."

"Nope."

"Beats me."

They all answered so quickly that their words seemed to blend into each other. She'd apparently pushed it too soon. She looked at the three demons sat around the table with her. None of them made eye contact. They were lying, and they knew she knew they were lying.

She sighed, kicked back her chair and walked out. Another dead end.

Looking at her watch as she exited the bar, Buffy realised the sun would be up soon. No point in her trying anywhere else. Time to head home and face the music. Angel wad bound to know where she'd been and would know doubt do anything he could to prevent her from trying anything else.

Tears stung her eyes as again she saw Spike in hell, suffering every torture imaginable.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, as she began to trudge home with slumped shoulders.

"Buffy?"

The voice which called her name was one she recognised instantly and she stopped, almost afraid to turn around and face him. She turned slowly and sure enough it was him, standing a few feet away from her with a gentle smile on his face.

She smiled back, warily

"Hello, Riley."

Act One

"What are you doing here?" Buffy was tired and really not in the mood for anything, especially not emotional baggage left over from her last meeting with Riley.

"You're not going to get Spike back by hanging around in bars." Riley's voice was soft and calm, no trace of anger, hurt or disgust.

"What? How do you know about that?"

He shrugged. "My people hear what's going on. I thought you could use some help."

Buffy's eyes narrowed with suspicion. "You hate Spike. Last time you were in Sunnydale you wanted to kill him. Why would you help me get him back?"

"He has a soul now. He saved the world. I told you, I hear what's going on. Now you can either accept my help or carry on the way you are. It's up to you."

Buffy stared at the man she once thought she had loved. She still didn't understand why he would want to help her get Spike back, but on the other hand she couldn't see any other choice. She just had to hope and pray that this wasn't some sort of trick.

"Lead the way."

* * *

"This is it?"

"Yes."

Buffy stared down at the empty swimming pool and then at the diving board which seemed to be pointing at her, as a challenge. She looked over her shoulder at Riley whose face remained expressionless.

"Are you sure? I mean I don't wanna go splat if you're wrong."

"You just have to believe. Trust me, this will work."

She nodded and climbed onto the board, edging her way to the end. She peered down and closed her eyes.

"This is for you, Spike."

She jumped.

* * *

When she didn't feel her body breaking into a thousand pieces she opened her eyes. She was in what appeared to be a dark cave of some sort. A musty smell filled the air and she decided it was best if she didn't know what was causing it.

A low growl filled the air and she tensed, ready to fight if she had to.

"Who's there?"

A demon emerged from the shadows, at least ten feet tall with sharp spikes and bones jutting out from its body. In its hand was a large and heavy looking axe. It growled again.

"You must be the first trial."

The demon lunged and Buffy managed to duck the blow. The creature was powerful but slow. If she could just get herself in the right position.

She manoeuvred herself behind the demon and searched for a weapon, there was nothing but bones in sight so she grabbed the largest one she could find and broke it over her knee so that there was a sharp point at the end.

The demon swung his axe again and she ducked. What she didn't see was his other arm coming towards her. His large fist caught her on the side of the head and she was knocked over to the other side of the cave. Dazed, she could only lie there and watch as the demon lumbered towards her.

The monster stood above her and let out a growl of triumph, raising his axe for the killing blow. With every ounce of strength she had Buffy leapt to her feet and stabbed the creature in the chest with her bone sword. Blood spurted out of the wound and the demon howled in pain. He turned and began to retreat but only made it halfway across the cave before falling down dead.

Buffy braced herself on the cave wall, her vision still swimming in and out of focus. She was going to have one hell of a headache in the morning.

"Ok, what's next?" She called to the empty cave.

A white light filled the room and she was forced to close her eyes to shield them from its brightness. When she opened them again she couldn't believe what she was seeing. The swimming pool was in front of her again and there was no sign of anyone.

"HEY!" She called. "You can't do this! I passed your trial. Give me Spike or give me the next test!"

She sank to her knees, tears burning her cheeks when no answer came. Either she had failed, Riley had tricked her, or Angel had been right and the trials were a fake. She didn't care which was true, only that she didn't have Spike. She had come so close.

"I was told I'd find you here."

The voice that spoke to her wasn't Riley's.

It was someone much worse.

Act Two

"Dad?"

"Hello Buffy."

Buffy stared up at her father in mute shock. Hank Summers stood before her, looking much the same as he had the last time she had seen him. Had it been five years? It felt like one hundred.

Part of her, the little blonde girl with pigtails that remembered the fun she used to have with her father, who remembered how he had used to hold her when she cried or agree to her most ridiculous demands at the sight of her pout, longed to throw herself into his arms and let him take away all the pain and sadness that had consumed her since the last time she had seen him.

Dawn may have been Joyce's Pum'kin Belly, but Buffy had always undoubtedly been Daddy's Girl.

Until he left of course.

The rest of Buffy's mind rebelled at the thought of even being near him. How dare he? How dare he turn up now, like this, as though nothing had happened? As though things would be just as they'd always been?

As though her mom hadn't died?

Buffy stood quickly and closed her eyes, her jaw set, her hands clenched into fists at her sides.

"What're you doing here?" she asked, her tone measured, her fingernails digging into her palms to prevent her from scratching her father's eyes out.

"Dawn called me. She said she was worried about you."

Buffy snorted at that and shook her head in disbelief. "Damn those monks fixed everything didn't they? Pity they couldn't change you into a good father. Someone who might have actually been there for his daughters when they needed him."

She spun away and stalked back towards the entrance. First Riley, then the Powers and now her dad. The universe must hate her.

"Buffy!"

She turned back to him, her eyes blazing, all control on her temper gone.

"No! You don't get to do the outraged parent bit! You gave up that right when you left us. So you don't get to talk to me. You don't get to be concerned or heartfelt about anything!"

"Buffy please…"

"Mom died!!!" Buffy screamed, feeling hysteria well up inside up. "She died! And you didn't come back. You didn't do anything. You just left us. We needed you and you abandoned us. So you don't get to play daddy anymore. You don't get anything anymore!"

She began to run away from him, her mind buzzing with the tumult of emotions she was feeling. Why was this happening to her? Why did this have to happen to her now? Hadn't she been tortured enough for one day?

Buffy didn't realise she had stopped running until she felt a hand on her shoulder. Strong arms surrounded her and she lay her head against her father's chest and began to weep. "Why did you leave us? Why did you leave me? What did I do wrong daddy?"
"You didn't do anything wrong baby. It was my fault."
"I hate you," she said, even as she clung to him tightly. "I hate you!"
"I know princess."

Princess. Yes. She remembered. She'd been her daddy's princess.

But she wasn't a princess. She was the Slayer.

She felt the pressure of that thought as much as she had always done, no matter how many other girls there were out there now, with the same strength. The same potential.

She was THE Slayer.

And she always would be.

He couldn't understand that, she knew as she pulled away from him and wiped her face clear of tears. Only one person had ever understood it. Only one person had ever really understood her.

But he was gone. And tonight had proved he wasn't coming back.

****

"Are you going to stay and see Dawn?" Buffy asked quietly as Hank stopped the car in front of Angel's hotel.

"I'll be in town," he answered and she nodded. "You can come and see me any time."

"Thanks."

There was silence for a moment and Hank cleared his throat. "Buffy, I haven't been a good father."

Buffy rolled her eyes and gave him a pointed look.

"I suppose that goes without saying, but what I mean is, you have to stop blaming yourself for the mistakes I made. I don't know what's been going on in your life. I haven't been around to find out and that's my fault. But I guess leaving like I did can't have helped you any."

The blonde stared fixedly out of the passenger seat window. "No," she stated flatly, her tone clipped.

"They're not all like me you know."

Buffy's eyes shot to her father's face and she saw a hint of understanding there. "I don't know what you…"
"You can't stop trusting people, or loving them for that matter, because someone hurt you in the past. That's when you end up bitter and alone."

The Slayer dropped her eyes and fidgeted a little. "What if there were a few someones?"

"Then they're all idiots princess, just like me," Hank soothed her with a gentle smile and Buffy allowed herself to grin.

"Thank you."

She opened the car door and stepped out, bending down slightly to wave goodbye.

"When you find the right one you'll know," her father told her. "Don't push him away because of 'someones'."

Buffy wrapped her arms around herself as she watched her father drive away and sighed.

"Too late."

****

"Angel?" Buffy called out as she stepped into the lobby of the hotel. "Wes? Anyone?" She sighed. "Just me then. Fun."

She walked carelessly to the sofa and slouched down upon it, trying to make herself comfortable. She stared up at the ceiling and tried to rationalise everything in her mind.

Spike was dead.

Spike was in hell.

Spike wasn't coming back.

She felt her stomach roll at the thought.

"Spike isn't coming back," she whispered and gritted her teeth.

'I will not cry. I will not cry,' she thought to herself.

"Spike is not coming back," she said louder and choked back a sob as she heard the words ringing in her ears.

She jumped up from the sofa with a startled yelp as the front doors slammed open and the hotel was invaded by a group of people, grinning, laughing and joking amongst themselves.

"Dawn," she shouted as she eyes landed on her sister and she ran across the room to embrace her. The younger girl laughed as she hugged Buffy back.
"Hey sis. Is this quick enough for you?"
Buffy grinned into Dawn's hair. "It'll do."
She stepped back, but didn't quite manage to let go of Dawn, who was watching her curiously.

Willow and Xander stepped forward to hug their friend and Buffy took some comfort in falling back into the old routine with her friends. She noticed Andrew waving at her from behind Xander and smiled warmly at him as the friends drew apart. Her gaze then flicked from Kennedy, who was staring around the hotel lobby with a bored expression on her face to Faith who was hovering in the background.

"Hi," Buffy greeted with an abrupt nod of her head.
"B," Faith said, a sardonic smirk appearing on her face at Buffy's continuing reserve.
"I'm glad you're here," the blonde Slayer added with a sly smile of her own and she took a moment to appreciate Faith's look of surprise before she turned back to Willow, Xander and Dawn.

"Did you come straight from the airport?"
Willow nodded. "Angel picked us up. He's parking the car."
"Oh," Buffy said, mentally withdrawing from them slightly. "I don't suppose he mentioned…?"
"Uh-huh," Xander said shortly as they all nodded.
Buffy moved away from them. "I really don't want to get into this right now."

"Into what?" Dawn asked and Buffy felt herself sag at the tone of her voice.
"Dawn please…"
"Don't want to explain why you want to bring Spike back from hell? Could it possibly be because it's an insane idea?"
"No," Buffy said trying to control her temper. "Because I knew we'd end up having a huge fight when you lot got all judgemental with me."

"Is that what you think we do?" Willow asked, her expression hurt. Buffy winced inwardly.
"We're you're friends," Xander added. "We only want what's best for you."

Buffy felt herself give up.

She'd heard it all before. No doubt she'd hear it again. Strange she'd thought they were passed all this. The accusing looks, the angry comments, disappointment, disapproval…

…kidnapped me… tried to kill us… some good things… pain… suffering… vampire…

Why couldn't they ever let her make her own choice?

…evil…

Why was she always the one in the wrong?

…raped you…

The words, spat so viciously from her sister's mouth, caused something to snap inside her.

"STOP!" she bellowed and everyone did exactly that, staring at her in silence. She took a couple of deep breaths and did what she realised she should have done a long time ago.

"Enough. It ends right now. You do not own me. You do not control me. I love you all so much. I value your opinions, but I have had enough of this. What I do and who I do it with are not up for discussion. Spike was more human than anyone I have ever met. For every bad thing he did to any of us, he did a hundred goods things you all seem to conveniently forget the moment it comes to him loving me. And he did love me. So purely, so perfectly that it scared the hell out of me. None of you, not one of you know anything about our relationship, so I would appreciate it if you didn't bring up things you don't understand just to try and score points."

Buffy paused, breathing fiercely as she watched the others lower their heads. She continued quietly.

"In the end, his love was selfless enough to die for me. For us. So that we could live." She sighed. "So do I want him back? Yes. Do I want another chance? Yes. Do I love him?"

She stopped again and the others watched her, waiting. Dawn and Xander looked pained, Andrew excited, Kennedy bored, Faith proud and Willow… For the first time in forever Buffy couldn't tell what her best friend was thinking.

If she answered honestly she could very well lose her closest friends. She wavered.

But then, if they couldn't support her, if they couldn't let her live her life her own way, were they really her friends?

"Yes," she said, feeling freer as soon as the word leaves her mouth. "Yes I love him."

"What?"

Buffy looked up to see Angel standing in the doorway of the hotel, an expression on his face that she really didn't want to read.

As Spike would say,

Bollocks.

Act Three

"Tell me I didn't just hear that." Angel said as he descended the steps into the hotel lobby. The rest of the gang murmured various excuses and quickly left. Apparently none of them wanted to be present for the blow-up that was about to occur.

"I love Spike." She repeated firmly. No sense in backing down now. She'd denied her feeling for him for too long already.

"Are you insane?"

Angel wasn't shouting, and that disturbed Buffy more than angry words could. Shouting Angel she could deal with. This Angel was calm, softly spoken and closer to Angelus than she had ever seen him

"No," she replied, equally as softly. "I'm not insane. You didn't see what Spike was like after he got his soul, and before. He loved me with everything he had and all I did was throw it back in his face. When I finally realised what I felt for him it was too late."

"You know he's no good for you. All Spike cares about is himself. If he claims to love you it's because he wants something from you."

Buffy gave a wry smile. "And I gave it to him, it didn't stop him from loving me though."

That got a reaction from Angel. His eyes widened and he stared at her with something close to horror and disgust. "You had sex with him? After he got his soul, right?"

Buffy shook her head.

"You are insane. Buffy, what's happened to you? The Buffy I know wouldn't have touched him, ever."

Buffy gave a dry laugh. "Well, that's the thing, Angel. The Buffy you knew is gone. I'm not some sixteen-year-old schoolgirl anymore. I'm a grown woman and I can make my own decisions. I'm sick and tired of having other people dictate my life to me, especially people like you and my dad who weren't there when I needed someone. I can rely on Spike, that's just one of the many reasons I love him."

"Except he's gone." Angel replied. "Left you just like all the others."

The sound of Buffy's palm connecting with Angel's cheek resounded through the whole hotel.

"Don't you ever speak about him like that again," she hissed, "Spike was a hero and saved the world."

Angel shook his head. "I can't listen to this craziness anymore. You'll see sense eventually."

And without another word he left, leaving Buffy alone once more. With a dejected sigh she sat back down and buried her face in her hands. Why couldn't any of them see what Spike had become? Why couldn't they see him the way she did?

"Crying over me, luv? I'm touched."

Buffy's head snapped up. It couldn't be.

Spike stood in the lobby of the hotel, looking just as he had when she'd last seen him. There was a cigarette hanging from his lips and a smile curling up at one side of his mouth.

"Hello, pet. I'm back."

* * *

Buffy jumped to her feet with speed she didn't know she had.

"Spike? Is it really you?"

He dropped his cigarette to the ground and crushed it beneath his boot.

"It's me."

Buffy moved forward, slowly, afraid that if she got too close it would turn out to be a dream or a hallucination.

"How?"

He laughed bitterly, a dry sound that chilled her. She hadn't heard him laugh like that for years. "Brought me back, didn't you. Well done."

She moved forward to embrace him but he stepped back, holding up his hands. "Don't touch me."

Buffy stopped. "Are you hurt? I saw you being tortured in hell."

That same chilling laugh again. "Hell? Oh god, history really is repeating itself isn't it?"

"What do you m-?" She stopped, raised her hand to her mouth in horror. She couldn't have…

"Pulled me out of heaven. First time I've been happy in all my years as a human and as a vampire."

He answered the question she hadn't asked and she let out a small sob. "Oh god, Spike. I'm so sorry, I didn't know."

"Didn't think, more like. I saved the world Buffy, destroyed the legions of hell. Did you really think I'd end up going there?"

"I-I"

"I was happy. Felt loved, properly loved for the first time. But then I guess you know what it's like, having been there yourself."

Buffy wiped away they tears from her eyes and looked at Spike squarely. "Spike, I promise to help you get through this. I know what it's like; I can help you. I'll do everything I can to make it better."

Spike snorted. "You think I want your help? I can barely stand to look at you. You did this to me Buffy, and I can't forget that."

"But-"

"But nothing. I don't want to see you again, Buffy, ever. I can't believe I used to think I loved you. You knew the truth though, told me again and again. Should've listened to you."

Buffy was weeping openly now. She couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Spike, please. Let me help you."

"I don't need your help! Why don't you go back to that crater that was Sunnydale and pretend that you still matter. Plenty of Slayers around I'll bet; it's not like you're needed here or anything."

Buffy cocked her head to one side and looked at him. Really looked at him. He was looking at her, a cruel sneer on his face with no hint of the Spike that she had fallen in love with.

She narrowed her eyes at him.

"Who are you?"

Spike looked surprised, and raised an eyebrow. "Who am I?"

"You're not Spike," she said determinedly. "Spike would never… Who are you?"

He smirked at her again and morphed into Anya.

"You know what I am, Slayer. How have you been since you destroyed my army?"

Act Four

Buffy's jaw tightened she faced the First, anger welling up inside her that it would dare take the form of her friend. "Change," she said quietly, dangerously.
"What?" the First asked, wrinkling Anya's face into a frown of confusion.
"Stop looking like her."
The thing in front of her smirked. An actual smirk graced her friend's pretty features and Buffy had never wanted to cause the First more pain than she did right now.

"How do you want me to look?"

She morphed instantaneously into Spike. "Better? No?"

He changed again and Buffy felt a wave of nausea overcome her as she gazed at Tara. "Do you understand yet?" the blonde girl in front of her asked tremulously, so much like her friend and yet not her at all. "Or do I have to look like everyone you couldn't save?"

She flicked in and out of several forms, each one causing a different kind of pain. Angel was there and Miss Calendar. Her mother, Cordelia, Ford, Holden, Harmony, Jonathan, even Warren was there.

The First settled back on Anya again and smiled. "I have to say, you're not being very friendly. No hug for you're old pal?"

"You are not Anya and don't even try to convince me otherwise. Anya wasn't big with the mental cruelty. She went straight for the throat."

"Just like Spike."
"Leave him out of this."
It stepped towards her and Buffy stood her ground. "We never talked about that did we? Me and Spike? Or maybe that was why you came after me so aggressively with that sword? There's nothing like decapitating the competition."
Now it was Buffy's turn to smirk. "What competition?" she mocked. "Remember I saw quite a bit of it."

Anya was glowering now and Buffy was suddenly transported back to the fight they had had at the Frat house. She looked away, wishing not for the first time that she'd been able to regain Anya's friendship and trust before the end. She cleared her throat. "What…?"

"What's going on?" It interrupted. "Please don't tell me you don't know."
"We ended this."
The First laughed Anya's laugh and Buffy looked around for a weapon. Non-corporeal or not, she was going to kick it's…

"You ended me? News flash Buffy… I'm evil. Pure evil. You can't get rid of evil. If you could, there would be no need for Slayers now would there? And you just made yourself an army. You won the battle…"

Buffy shook her head. "You won't win. If I have to die a hundred times I will never let you win."

"But you're not fighting me anymore. I'm just reminding you that it's not over. It'll never be over. I'll always be there. In the shadows. In the dark. You really have no idea what you've done do you? You're going to be quite busy for a while. I can't wait to see the show."

The Slayer rolled her eyes. "Have you finished? 'Cause I've had a really bad day and…"
"Ah yes. The Trials. Have you enjoyed them?"
Buffy found herself suddenly speechless. "Wh… How… Wh…?"
"Very eloquent," Anya sneered. "Yes, those were your trials. The Powers That Be do like to play their games. They won't enjoy mine as much as they do theirs, but…"
"I don't understand," Buffy said agitatedly. "None of this was real?"
"I'm real," the First told her, tilting Anya's head to the side. "But your dad, your friends, your ex-es… they were trials."
"Why?"

"Buffy," it said gently and the Slayer was scared by exactly how Anya-like it was at that moment. "You don't need a test to determine how strong you are physically or the strength or your character. Everyone knows that already. You needed a test of your heart, of your emotion or your…"

"Endurance?" Buffy suggested and Anya nodded.
"Exactly."
"I'm sorry I couldn't save you," Buffy whispered, her voice hoarse from the emotion she was feeling.

The First stepped back, eyes blazing furiously at being so close to genuine feeling.

And suddenly It wasn't Anya anymore.

It was her.

"You know why you're going to fail? Because you don't have the nerve to do what you're going to have to do. Just like you didn't hang on to Spike while you could. But on the plus side, now I get to play with him for eternity."

With one last triumphant look at the Slayer the First vanished.

Buffy collapsed.

And behind her, almost hidden from view by the sofa, a naked body materialised.

Waking the Dead